Tr0lling n00bs

In about four minutes I had the ropes untied and the door unlocked. They'd never be able to keep me locked away. As I exited I took a pistol from the table. I couldn't remember what had happened prior to being tied up, but I felt like I was in danger.

When I got outside, where there should have normally been thousands of people, there was absolutely nobody. Not a single one.

I went back inside, took a look around, maybe for a clue. After about 20 minutes, I decided to go try again.

When I came back out, everyone was back to normal, the streets were filled, but more than that, things were still strange... I couldn't quite put my finger on it though. Nothing anyone was doing seemed out of place. It was just normal people doing regular things, things everyone does all the time, just...

Then I saw what it was. There were people smoking crack about half block away, in a small nook between buildings. People seemed not to care, but noticed, seemingly curious. A couple, having sex in public, discreetly and nobody even batted an eyelash. She was wearing a red and black knee-length skirt; you could barely even tell.

I walked down the street to see what else I could find to help make sense out of what was going on.

Walking into a convenience store, I saw a man leave without paying. I wanted to stop him, but something told me it would be wrong.

"Aren't you gonna make him pay for that?!?" I practically screamed at the employee, who just gave me a strange gaze, seemingly unable to properly formulate an answer to my question.

After receiving a blank look, I shrugged and picked out my favorite drink from the shelf in the back. I had never had it before, I didn't even recognize the brand name, but it was certainly the most delicious beverage I'm ever put my lips on.

I walked to the counter. It took a second, but I eventually noticed there was no cash register. Another blank look from the employee.

"What do I owe you?" I asked. Or maybe it was something like, "Are you going to ring these up?"

Still looking at me, bemused.

"Okay, I get it. I'm clearly a fucking alien speaking a foreign language. Maybe you just think I'm an idiot, but can you please explain to me why this convenience store is like no convenience store I've ever been in?"

I hadn't had a drink of my new favorite drink yet.

"Why don't you have a sip of your beverage?"

It was my turn to give the blank look, but after some eye shifting, I did.

I had no words for the flavor. I couldn't even tell you what a single ingredient might be. It was like... like it was just telling your tongue as authoritatively as possible: "I AM A DELICIOUS BEVERAGE."

I actually dropped the bottle from shock. My brain couldn't reconcile the deliciousness of what was supposed to be sugar water mixed with artificial flavors and preservatives. The intensity of the flavor, and not in a bad way, mind you, as is often the case with extreme deliciousness, was overwhelming to my senses and caused involuntary release of my grip, while my mouth desperately tried to drink more. I feel like if I were expecting it, I would not have dropped the bottle.

The glass shattered everywhere. I felt as though a close friend had died.

The store clerk snickered at me, knowingly, as if not to make too much fun.

"Did you know I was going to do that?" I interrogated him.

He chuckled, "No, of course not! How could I know something like that. It happens to everyone their first time, even if you are expecting it."

Quickly I changed the subject I asked how much I owed him. He told me I should go get another, that he would claim it broke before I purchased it and just mark it off as a loss on the records.

By the time I had returned, the mess was cleaned up. There wasn't even a wet floor sign where it was. In fact, there was no evidence of it at all. The glass shattered everywhere, the juice that was black in the bottle and intensely blue spread over everything in the vicinity and now you wouldn't even know it happened forty five seconds ago.

Knowing something weird was going on, I played it off like nothing at all, but I couldn't hide my initial disbelief quickly enough and I probably gave myself away.

I started over, completely, trying again.

"Would you stop me if I walked out the door with this?" I asked him.

"Yes, I would try." He replied, with a grin, his excellent beard moving instead of a mouth.

"You didn't stop the last guy. And he didn't pay, I saw him walk straight from the isle to the door."

"Oh, he paid, alright."

He didn't!.

"Before he got his delicious snacks? I bet they really are delicious, aren't they? How much for a delicious snack and a delicious drink?"

"As much as they are worth to you. Would you give me all the money in your wallet for the most delicious snack and drink you've ever had?"

As illogical as it sounded, I think I really would. I mean, how often do get to have the most delicious thing possible for the very first time in a convenience store clerked by a man that would be kind of creepy if he wasn't so genuinely easy-going, friendly and real.

For no reason at all, I felt like I could trust this person with a great deal, based solely on his personality and body language.

"Yes." I said, as I reached for my wallet. How much could I have, anyway? I'm usually broke.

When I opened it, I had at least seven thousand dollars in it, all in hundreds. Not broke today, apparently. In fact I'm certain this is more money than I've ever had at once.

Another knowing look from the would-be creepy store clerk, as he gently held out his hand for acceptance.

"I'm not paying you seven grand from a soda and honey-bun, dude."

"You just said you would."

"I didn't know how much money I had," I pleaded.

"Who doesn't know how much money they have in their wallet? Especially when it's seven gees my friend. A real person never backs out on their word, no matter what. And if you do, I'm never going to forget and neither will these cameras and I'm going to tell everyone I know and everyone I ever meet that you stiffed me on seven grand you agreed to pay. Didn't know how much you had.... yeah right."

I was speechless. I couldn't believe this was happening.

"They cost ten thousand, anyway." he replied.

My head spun. What was going on here?

I put my delicious items back on their shelves and started to make my exit, but the man was standing in the doorway instead of behind the counter.

"From what I can tell, you owe me about forty five hundred for that busted drink."

"You said you'd write it off."

"I thought you were going to buy a drink AND a snack after you broke it. It was just marketing, man. Now that's gotta come out of my pay because I didn't make the sale at the end."

"You said people don't go against their word. You would be if you made me pay for it."

"Ah I guess you're not quite dumb after all. I will pay for it from my own pocket, all forty five hundred of it. If you feel the need to owe me anything in return, I will be here for another two days."

And with that, he handed me, it seemed, the very bottle I broke, completely refilled with Delicious (minus the mouthful I had) that was all over the floor. When I got outside, I found out it was indeed my bottle, complete with all the shatter marks, as if it were perfectly glued back together, but it had actually worked.

Did I really just pay forty-five hundred dollars for this? That just doesn't even make sense. I mean, I didn't, but I still feel like I owe him for it.

The creepy guy came out the door as I was walking away. "Hey brother-man, don't forget your Frequent Shopper's Card!"

I took it, still a little irritated at the ridiculous purchase I had just made, and put it in my wallet, headed back to where I was tied up before thinking, why on Earth would I want to go back there?

07.06.2011. 01:20

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