Gaining Familiar Perspective
This weekend was emotionally exhausting and definitely necessary. I went to my hometown to visit my parents and a few choice friends to get their advice and see them for the last time before I go.
Before I explain this, I want to start by saying I feel like the shit is hitting the fan in a big way in this country and will spread to the rest of the world. The elite are either losing their control or tightening their grip. Either way it's putting a lot of people in a bad position and things certainly can't continue like this much longer.
Pushing this change is technology which brings about unprecedented new realities in a very short period of time. If Ray Kurzweil's Singularity Theory holds its salt, which I believe it will, then time is also against me. Things are simply happening too fast to wait any longer. There is no time like the present and I can't procrastinate anymore.
I'm in a bad situation. Halfway through engineering, I realized I didn't want to continue down that path in life. This might have been about the time that it became more difficult than I was accustomed to. That's inaccurate, actually. Every bit of college was difficult. I simply never wanted it to begin with. It took me an unfortunate amount of time to realize this and I ended up with a considerable amount of student loans for which I have a cosigner. I couldn't make myself want a life I didn't want.
I'm in the position of having other things I feel powerfully compelled to do and that I need to get started on them soon as possible. Unfortunately I have obligations and they are affecting others in a negative way. These obligations would take a number of years to fulfill and I just can't afford that right now.
When I spoke to my parents they called me out on being a quitter and that's it's pretty fucked up to leave my grandma hanging like that. If you're thinking "sweet old grandmother," you're very wrong. Think Cruella Deville. We were having an argument on Friday about my decision to default on my loans. Obviously, she is quite furious with me. During this chat, I said some pretty rotten things, as seemingly you can only say to people you are very close to. She is able to provoke me much easier than I am comfortable with. Anyway, she tells me that she hopes I fail in my quest to help save the world. Straight up. "You will fail... I hope you fail." Direct quotes. Eventually I had to ask her if it was worth losing a grandson over the amount of money I owed and bad credit. Apparently her answer is yes. I will pay the money back eventually so she can start fixing her credit, but I don't think I can let her be an influence in my life anymore. The point is, I screwed her over mildly bad. I ruined her credit. They're not taking her house. It's not like I skipped bail or anything. Things could be a lot worse, but I still feel pretty bad about it, though honestly it helped that she said some pretty unforgivably evil things. I'm not sure I would have done things any differently (eg. not gone to college) if I had the chance though. I learned a lot of life lessons, had tests of character and was allowed the opportunity to find the path I'm on. Things would probably have been drastically different if they had gone otherwise. I feel like I'm at the right place, where I need and want to be.
While discussing my choice to quit my job and go on this quest, they pretty much nailed it. I'm a quitter when things get tough. They made clear the gravity of my obligation to pay my loans. These two things were their greatest insights. I have taken this into account and will adjust my plans accordingly. In the end my parents agreed that I need to take a month to get my head together, but they would like for me to arrive at the conclusion that the impossible is too difficult for me. They would have my go back to work and pay off my loans the old fashioned way, as I spend more of my life doing what I don't want to be doing.
My most important conversation of the weekend was with my chemistry teacher the next morning. She broke it down like this. If I look at the time between quitting my job and the OAR concert 29 days later as a vacation that's what it will be. In other words, if I just want a break from life to recharge and go back to my current life, that's what I will choose. If I choose to go the risky route and try to help save the world, I must make the decision to be perfect from here on out. I know a good deal of my flaws. I won't say I know them all, though. If I choose greatness, I must not allow my flaws to affect my goals. I cannot quit. I cannot decide doing the impossible is too hard. I cannot fail. I refuse to.
In the end, I'm obviously going to choose the hard way. I have the potential to achieve what most think can't happen. I can only achieve it if I stop being a quitter. I can only achieve it and keep the respect of my family if I pay back my loans.
I have two objectives. Find a way to pay my student loans as quickly as possible without violating law or morals. The other is to stop messing around and get to work on this enormous undertaking. I've started several times, but I just get overwhelmed at the vastness of the project and give up. I GIVE UP WHEN IT'S HARD. I really need to grow up and stop doing that.
From now on, I will have to achieve a new mindset conducive to accomplishing the tasks at hand.
06.13.2011. 04:21
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