My Perspective

I was born in January of 1986. I was brought up to believe in the American Dream, that if I simply followed the Rules, I would be rewarded with a comfortable, middle class lifestyle with a decent amount of disposable income.

When I was 18, I was not as questioning as I could have been. Presumably, I thought I already knew it all without actually finding out. I still believed I was one of the smartest people ever born because high school was so easy. I didn't get good grades or anything, maybe a 3.0 gpa, because it was boring. There was so much better stuff to think about.

I would venture to guess that 90% of what we learn before we are 18 is a complete waste. The education I received was a dumbed-down, propagandized version of what some politician thinks I should know. I won't say that what I learned was false or incorrect. The actual quality of the education I received was pretty good. My entire family is teachers so I know it's a tough job and all my teachers were good. I'm not complaining about that. It's the system itself, the curriculum, the fact that it completely fails the top and bottom 10 or 15 percent of students.

After a few years in college, I was slowly coming to realization that the world was nothing like I believed it to be. Thus, my life was not what I wanted it to be. The more I learned about the world, the more I realized I was way off course.

This realization came at the cost of many quarters of failed math classes during the engineering program, still believing that because I was capable of becoming an engineer, I could force myself to do it. During college, I had a powerful subconscious desire that didn't want me to be an engineer. No matter how much I fought myself, it was eventually too difficult to overcome. I would buckle down and study math and do homework and finally pass calculus 3 my third time around, but could never maintain the self discipline to do it multiple quarters in a row.

It just wasn't for me.

I guess I wanted to please those in my life by doing what they expected of me, doing the "right thing" according to them. All the while though, I knew deep down it wasn't what I wanted. I was just occupying myself while I truly figured out what I want from life.

Hindsight is 20/20 but I wish I had done that exploring while flipping burgers and paying rent in a crappy apartment somewhere. Or even before I turned 18. But how was I supposed to know what I wanted when I had no perception of the real world? Of course I don't actually wish that. Had it not been for my experiences so far, I might not have arrived where I am today.

In the end, I am stuck with an absurd amount of student loans for which a family member cosigned. When you dance with the devil... Anyway, the "right" thing to do would be to suck it up and give my best effort to pay off my student loans before going on hiatus. Then I would be completely free to do as I wish. And so would my cosigner.

Unfortunately, I don't actually believe that's the right thing to do in my situation. As I learn about how the world really works, I find out that our once great society has been overrun by bankers and other corporate criminals living the high life at the cost of the "middle" and lower class. That's just the way it is. If you don't see it like that, you're not looking. I know that every dollar I pay on my student loans is another dollar used to support the legitimate racket of the upper class. Every dollar I give to the banks is another dollar I'm not spending figuring out what to do about the mess we're in.

Consequently, I choose to do the right thing, unpopular with everyone though it may be, and send a symbolic payment of $5 each month to my debtors. That's all I feel they deserve at the moment. Actually, they don't deserve a cent, but in case they take me to court, I can say I tried.

As motivation to ensure I repay them, they are ruining my and my cosigner's credit. It's pretty much legal extortion.

I'm sorry I took so long to figure out what I want in life. But make no mistake about it: this is my life and I will live it how I choose. I will not exercise the will of power hungry criminals that have their grubby paws in everything. I'm also sorry that I let society do me a monetary favor. I would genuinely rather have borrowed from a mafia loan shark. They are more reasonable.

When you look at it from my perspective, I am being punished for not following the standard societal procedures of graduating college and entering the work force like a good bee. Punished for wanted to make myself better with education, in order to make the world a better place. Punished for not being certain about which education I even wanted.

Sure, I could have jumped through all the hoops, buckled down, became an engineer and gone on to do wonderful things. I just don't feel like I would have achieved my potential. I would have sold my soul for comfort and security. So that's what the purpose of my adventure/journey/hiatus/pilgrimage/etc is: to figure out how to achieve my potential while simultaneously protebsting the system by not participating, the consequences be damned.

I am sure this will all hang over my head until the banks are either gone or satisfied (paid). I will do something about it eventually, but I will not submit to extortion, even for my cosigner. Until then I will go ahead and let everyone be mad at me until I either a) realize I was being an idiot all along or, hopefully, b) my actions eventually mean something and people see the bigger picture and what I'm trying to do.

Then again, perhaps this is all a huge way of justifying being a fuckup. I truly do not believe this is the case, but if it is, I will find out on hiatus.

06.06.2011. 06:01

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